adventures in dysthymia

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
imagine that

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
no, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
now that's taking things a bit far

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
not if I wipe thoroughly

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
what a guy

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
see if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
you think?

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
they may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
he probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
weren't they fat enough?

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
that's what he gets for eating those beans

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
taste like chicken

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
that was really giving of himself

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
boy, are they tall!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
no comment needed...

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