Saturday, April 23, 2011


Despite being hooked up at an abysmally slow speed, I thought I'd try to spend some time online. A very frustrating experience that's been, lately! Anyway, the very old poem I posted a couple days ago got me thinking -- that's an affliction to which I'm occasionally subject.

When I was a teenager -- oh, maybe sixteen, seventeen -- I wrote a very long and very bad angst-filled free verse poem I titled 'Lamentations.'

Quite wisely, I would say, I did not save the piece to the current day. It was still in my files, as I remember, twenty years ago but was weeded out sometime since. First, I did copy out a few phrases I thought might be reused.

Some of which have been recycled. Others are still in my notes, phrases like 'black bliss' or 'whispered screams' or 'avoid the white, the light that blinds.' There was much about finding solace in darkness and solitude, I think!

I remember how much hurt and despair I poured into that poem, scribbling in the late hours when I could not sleep. I had a lot of trouble sleeping back then. Insomnia has long been a problem though it abated greatly when I started using an antidepressant (these days, simply St John's Wort, which does the job quite nicely for me). I suspect the serotonin retention that (supposedly) helps my mood also aids my sleep.

Truly, between being seriously depressed, having crippling social anxiety, and suffering from severe panic attacks, it's a wonder I survived my teen years at all.

I had thoughts of suicide daily. To be honest, I still do, but they're more like a habit of thought now, an old familiar friend -- I acknowledge that they remain and probably always will. Each day I choose to live.

Though it's not always been easy -- there has been more than one occasion when I have held a gun to my head. Now, I dare not keep one in the house for fear I would turn it on myself. Not that I'd be likely to at this relatively late point (barring a painful, fatal disease or being surrounded by the Federales or something of that sort) but there's no point in tempting fate, is there?


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