adventures in dysthymia

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Hiding From the Holidays

I dislike holidays. They disrupt my routine.

And I love to have a routine. When things change to upset that routine, I get upset.

And I'll probably remain upset until I can establish a new routine. That, I'm good at. I've always been able to work out efficient ways to do things.

So I can be a bit rigid. It's my nature and unlikely to change. I like stuff to be clear-cut. That's why I've worked out answers to philosophical questions here on this blog from time to time. They might not be the right answers but they help me frame out a structure in my mind, help me figure out just what I'm trying to figure out!

The psychologist I saw years ago told me I'm probably mildly autistic. Considering that I hardly spoke until I was four, there's possibly some merit to his assessment. Not Aperger's, by the way; folks with that syndrome are rather different -- often good verbal ability early on but not good motor skills. I was pretty much the opposite of that.

I'm also extremely visual-oriented. I was never good (and still am not) at following what I hear. I never really understood language -- or music -- until I learned to read it.

Seeing the words or notes makes them into things. Things can be put into order, made to do what one wants of them.

It gives me control over them. Being in control is what it's about, why I like my routine, why I like to have my answers. Why I try to stay a step ahead of the creeping chaos that follows all of us.

No comments: